The Angry Bacon

LIVE from Wiley's Comedy Club

2010-02-02T22:19:00.000-05:00

This was me January 10th at Wiley's Comedy Club in Dayton, Ohio. I'll be back there Feb 21st.

The Diary of Anne Frank, A Mad Black Woman

2009-12-28T12:40:00.000-05:00

Friday, 9 October, 1942, pg. 36

There are unfamiliar voices downstairs, voices I do not recognize, but their words and tone I do. They are soldiers. I dare not make a sound. I hear them milling about downstairs, searching, opening doors. I dare not make a sound. Someone is in the kitchen, and the aroma of popping corn on the stove creeps up into this attic. It smells delicious, and it reminds me of the times when I would go to the theatre. Those were happier times. Times when we were free. I want to cry for those times, but I dare not make a sound. The soldiers have not left, but the television comes on. I believe the soldiers are watching a movie. Oh, how I wish I could talk through the movie. "Run bitch!" I scream in my mind, but I dare not make a sound.

Bed Shopping

2009-12-18T11:42:00.000-05:00

I went to go buy a new bed the other day. The sales guy asked me what kind of bed I had, and I told him I had a twin right now. He asked me if I had ever slept in a queen. I told him I had a couple times in college when I needed the money.

Male Bathroom Etiquette

2009-12-11T21:20:00.002-05:00

I was discussing with a friend of mine today about an incident she had with a friend and her ex-boyfriend. The two had never met, but her friend, having observed conversation between her and her ex, decided to follow him into the bathroom and ask general questions about him. This reminded me of an awkward situation I had been in earlier in the week, in which I, standing at the urinal, junk in hand, was asked by a coworker if he could help me with anything today. I had been working on an earlier project for a company we sophomorically call “Golden Showers,” and he was referring, of course, to that. So as I was peeing, I was being asked if I needed any help with Golden Showers.

Now what happened to the days of male bathroom etiquette? I thought that, much like the instinct of breathing, blinking and chewing, there were certain rules and guidelines men followed while in public bathroom facilities. I’m not referring to the three toe taps under my stall at an airport bathroom or making eye contact through the hole in the wall. I’m talking about the do’s and don’ts of proper bathroom behavior.

The first rule of male bathroom etiquette is that the bathroom is like Las Vegas. What goes on in the bathroom, stays in the bathroom. If you are in a stall, and the gentleman next to you had Mexican for lunch because that’s where his client wanted to take him not knowing the burrito would trigger the man’s irritable bowel syndrome, and he is farting rather loudly, you do not say anything to him. Do not ask what he had for lunch, do not ask him to excuse himself, do not moan in agony as some of the poop particles fly into your mouth. More importantly, however, if you know who it is that has the irritable bowels, never, EVER say anything to him about it outside of the bathroom. It doesn’t matter if you followed him in and watched him go into the stall. It doesn’t matter if you see him leave the stall and wash his hands at the sink. It does matter, however, if you never see the man and can recognize him from looking at his shoes under stall. You are probably a homosexual, and in addition to not saying anything to the man about his loud farting in the bathroom, you should also apologize for causing the levees to break in New Orleans.

Going along with not talking outside of the bathroom, there also is not talking in the bathroom. If a conversation began outside of the bathroom, and it carried on to the bathroom, it may continue. A conversation may only be struck up once both participants have finished their business and at least one of them is at the sink washing their hands. Under no other circumstance should a man be talking to another man while either of them are holding their junk. You stare straight ahead, and maybe down at your junk. There should never be any reason to utter the following sentences at the urinal:

· “Need any help with anything?”

· “How’s it hanging?”

· “Any plans after work?”

· “Whoa, that’s nice!”

Finally, placement in the men’s bathroom is equally important. In most men’s bathrooms, there are at least 3 urinals. Upon entering the bathroom, you should use the urinal farthest to the left. If there is already someone at that urinal, you skip the middle urinal and use the one on the far right. Now this may be shortened for children, and that’s ok. The middle urinal is for the homosexuals to look at your penis, and it is more socially acceptable to be considered a midget for using the short urinal at the far end than it is to be a homosexual for using the middle urinal. Midgets can at least get married and go to Heaven. If both urinals are taken and only the middle urinal remains, then you go into a stall and pee. It’s ok to sit down and pee like a girl or you can stand and pee on the seat. Both are equally acceptable. If, under the most extreme cases, both urinals are taken, all stalls are taken, and only the middle stall remains, then it is o.k. to pee in the sink. The sink is just a smaller version of your shower, and we all know you pee in your shower.

SyFy Channel Original Movies

2009-12-09T21:14:00.002-05:00

I hate Saturdays, but I love DVR. If it wasn’t for catching up on all the quality programming I didn’t have time to watch during the week, I’d be stuck with the Nerd Pride Marathons all weekend long. I’m talking, of course, about the SyFy channel original movies.

I know that when we hear about made for TV movies, we instantly reflect upon such touching jewels as Stephen King’s Rose Red, the entire Danielle Steele collection and anything starring Meredith Baxter Bernie, but the CGI Bedazzled turds SyFy puts out are enough to make me want to hang myself naked from a hotel closet. Forget the hookers and cocaine, I want to know if the last thing David Caradine saw was a movie about World War II fighter pilots battling gargoyles.

I’m not even kidding, that was a real movie. You don’t have to be Catholic to find gargoyles a little creepy, especially in comparison to other movie monsters like The Blob, Critters and the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants, but let’s take a look at the list of movie monsters SyFy has used. Goblin, Hydra, Wyvern, Manticore, Minotaur, Cyclops, Sphinx, Ghouls, Troglodyte, Basilisk, Harpies, Gryphon, Kraken, Yeti, Pterodactyl, Cerberus, and Dead Lawyers. I don’t even know what half of these things are, let alone know why I should be scared of them? Where on Earth do they get these monsters? I can see it now…

It’s Friday night, and the SyFy channel movie writers convene for their monthly collaboration at Seth’s house, also known as his mom’s basement. The four unshowered men unload their provisions for the long night ahead of them; a 2 Liter of Mountain Dew, a bag of Funions, and a Crown Royal bag filled with dice. Seth’s mom brings down the freshly baked Pizza Rolls from the oven, adding another layer to the stenches of basement musk, body odor and virginity. Seth opens his Dungeons and Dragons Handbook and his book of Mad Libs he got from the dollar store.

“Gentlemen, this month’s original movie is going to be about…” he says, shaking a handful of dice with a fervor reminiscent of the times he watched Princess Leia being held captive by Jabba the Hutt. “This month’s monster is…” The dice tumble onto the table, and one falls on to the floor. “It still counts! It still counts!” exclaims one of the nerds. The cracking of his voice nearly shatters his milk bottle glasses. Seth looks at the dice, looks at the book, turns a page, turns another page, and a smile stretches across his face. “This month’s monster is… a garden gnome!”

Then there’s the casting. I’m all good with the no names just trying to make it. I just hope that when it comes time for those kids to apply for the Screen Actors Guild, that those movies actually count on their resumes. I can’t think of anything worse than being before the panel and being told “Well, we see here you were in 5 SyFy original movies, but we’re going to guild this other applicant who did a community theatre production of Tranny Get Your Gun last year.” Oh the poor poor celebrities they get to bring some credibility to these wretched films. Kathy Griffin even turns her nose up at these opportunities. These actors need to be on a show called “My Life on the FML List.” It’s gotten so bad, Stephen Baldwin chose to be stuck on a deserted island with Spencer Pratt and Sanjaya rather than be in “3 Kobolds and a Dire Weasel.” Now, all I see is Kevin Sorbo. Kevin freaking Sorbo. Talk about Hercules, the Legendary Journeys into bankruptcy and substance abuse.

These movies are so terrible that I’d rather watch those 2 midgets sell me real estate at 3 in the morning than sit through a film about a dinosaur eating tourists in Hawaii . It's like they read the review for Troll 2 as the worst movie ever and took that as a challenge.

Stop Carrie Prejean - Save the Kittens!

2009-12-08T00:42:00.001-05:00

LOLHuman plays with Cat Toys

2009-12-08T00:41:00.002-05:00

2009-12-08T00:29:00.000-05:00

This was my entry in the Chipotle Viral Video contest. It did not win because I am not a douche bag with an acoustic guitar. Enjoy your lifetime supply of Buritos, Jack f#$%^ng Johnson.

Funniest Wedding Ever

2009-12-07T21:22:00.001-05:00

I am available to perform your next wedding, however I refuse to learn Klingon.

Lady GaGa Goes to the Bathroom

2009-12-07T20:12:00.003-05:00