I hate Saturdays, but I love DVR. If it wasn’t for catching up on all the quality programming I didn’t have time to watch during the week, I’d be stuck with the Nerd Pride Marathons all weekend long. I’m talking, of course, about the SyFy channel original movies.
I know that when we hear about made for TV movies, we instantly reflect upon such touching jewels as Stephen King’s Rose Red, the entire Danielle Steele collection and anything starring Meredith Baxter Bernie, but the CGI Bedazzled turds SyFy puts out are enough to make me want to hang myself naked from a hotel closet. Forget the hookers and cocaine, I want to know if the last thing David Caradine saw was a movie about World War II fighter pilots battling gargoyles.
I’m not even kidding, that was a real movie. You don’t have to be Catholic to find gargoyles a little creepy, especially in comparison to other movie monsters like The Blob, Critters and the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants, but let’s take a look at the list of movie monsters SyFy has used. Goblin, Hydra, Wyvern, Manticore, Minotaur, Cyclops, Sphinx, Ghouls, Troglodyte, Basilisk, Harpies, Gryphon, Kraken, Yeti, Pterodactyl, Cerberus, and Dead Lawyers. I don’t even know what half of these things are, let alone know why I should be scared of them? Where on Earth do they get these monsters? I can see it now…
It’s Friday night, and the SyFy channel movie writers convene for their monthly collaboration at Seth’s house, also known as his mom’s basement. The four unshowered men unload their provisions for the long night ahead of them; a 2 Liter of Mountain Dew, a bag of Funions, and a Crown Royal bag filled with dice. Seth’s mom brings down the freshly baked Pizza Rolls from the oven, adding another layer to the stenches of basement musk, body odor and virginity. Seth opens his Dungeons and Dragons Handbook and his book of Mad Libs he got from the dollar store.
“Gentlemen, this month’s original movie is going to be about…” he says, shaking a handful of dice with a fervor reminiscent of the times he watched Princess Leia being held captive by Jabba the Hutt. “This month’s monster is…” The dice tumble onto the table, and one falls on to the floor. “It still counts! It still counts!” exclaims one of the nerds. The cracking of his voice nearly shatters his milk bottle glasses. Seth looks at the dice, looks at the book, turns a page, turns another page, and a smile stretches across his face. “This month’s monster is… a garden gnome!”
Then there’s the casting. I’m all good with the no names just trying to make it. I just hope that when it comes time for those kids to apply for the Screen Actors Guild, that those movies actually count on their resumes. I can’t think of anything worse than being before the panel and being told “Well, we see here you were in 5 SyFy original movies, but we’re going to guild this other applicant who did a community theatre production of Tranny Get Your Gun last year.” Oh the poor poor celebrities they get to bring some credibility to these wretched films. Kathy Griffin even turns her nose up at these opportunities. These actors need to be on a show called “My Life on the FML List.” It’s gotten so bad, Stephen Baldwin chose to be stuck on a deserted island with Spencer Pratt and Sanjaya rather than be in “3 Kobolds and a Dire Weasel.” Now, all I see is Kevin Sorbo. Kevin freaking Sorbo. Talk about Hercules, the Legendary Journeys into bankruptcy and substance abuse.
These movies are so terrible that I’d rather watch those 2 midgets sell me real estate at 3 in the morning than sit through a film about a dinosaur eating tourists in Hawaii . It's like they read the review for Troll 2 as the worst movie ever and took that as a challenge.
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